How Grandparents Can Help their Child and Grandchildren Going Through Divorce

If your son/daughter, the parent of your grandchildren, is getting a divorce, you have already experienced some emotional turmoil and grieving. But now is the time to have a clear plan about your actions, as it will affect your future relationship with your adult child and your grandchildren. Here are some tips to navigate the situation through supporting them and maintaining your connection with them:

Stay Connected with Your Adult Child

Your top priority is to make sure that your parent-child connection endures this crisis. Your child is experiencing immense stress and grief, and the most beneficial thing that you can do is simply to provide a listening ear. They do not really want solutions, as time for repairing things is past. Rather, they want an outlet for their pain and grief. Be patient, and if there comes a time when your child asks you for advice, give it, but make sure you have moved past your anger so that you can give reasonable and well-thought advice.

Avoid Taking Sides as Much as Possible

It is not your role to assign blame. Only the people in the relationship know the truth of what led to the breakup. Still, your child might ask for validation on what they did or did not do or assert blame towards their ex-spouse. It is best to avoid answering or if you must give your opinion, moderate your response as much as possible. Fostering hate and blame is not helpful for your child. If you sympathize with your child's ex, while it's okay to feel that way try not to let it show, as your child will likely see that as a serious betrayal regardless if your judgment is accurate.

Be Careful About Your Relationship with Your Child’s Ex

Staying connected to your grandchildren will be easier if you maintain a relationship with your child’s ex, especially if they are the primary custodian. You must, however, put the feelings of your adult child first. Respect their wishes if they want you to avoid contact with an ex. If your relationship with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law was a close one, it is normal to feel grief. As time passes, some divorced parents achieve a friendlier relationship.

Do Not Use Your Grandchildren

Your grandchildren need you to provide them with a comforting presence in their lives. If you in any way try to use or manipulate them, no matter how subtle, they are smart and will figure it out and feel that you no longer care about them. Also, do not badmouth or use sarcasm about either of the grandchild’s parents.

Provide the Grandchildren with a Low-Stress Environment

Strive to continue visits as you normally would. Do not bring up the divorce unless they do. If they do talk about it, try to restrict yourself to showing sympathy and reassurance that the divorce is not their fault and that they are loved.

Be Positive About the Future

Do not overpraise or be overly sympathetic. Once the initial phase of grief has passed, your child and grandchildren need to adjust to the changes happening in their lives. As a grandparent, your attitude should be one of encouragement in rebuilding their lives versus dwelling on the past.