Why Does Family Conflict Hurt the Most?

The hurt we experience when a family member hurts us can be worse than how it feels when a friend does. When it comes to family matters, this emotional injury that occurs is particularly painful for a few reasons. But first, we’ll take a closer look at some common elements of hurtful environments:

• Negligent family environments where members are not paying attention to others or do not feel comfortable around some members. Also, environments where there is a lack of affection, meaning physical affection, encouragement, verbal affirmations of love, and quality time spent together.

• Aggressive family environments where there is belittling and insulting communication, dominating, lying, controlling, arguing, or criticism. This also includes settings where members gang up on other family members.

• Violent family environments where sexual abuse or physical harm occur.

Some reasons why family hurts tends to hurt the most include:

• Our ingrained cultural belief about family members, who are supposed to be there for us and love us no matter what. You share a strong connection and commitment, so when a family member does or says something to hurt you, you perceive it as worse.

• Family members are emotionally invested and often dependent on each other for things like money, advice, or support. When there is less dependence, there is usually less hurt.

• Because there is a shared history between our family members and us, moments of teasing or embarrassment can easily cross the line.

Another thing we tend to do that hurts us is distance ourselves less from family than we would a friend who hurts us. Distancing is usually the healthiest answer for family environments and relationships where there is abuse or neglect. Although, this can also be painful when distanced members are constantly encouraged to mend their relationships or are asked questions about it. The societal belief that families are “forever” adds extra pressure to resolve relationships that may be better left apart.

Family therapy is a structured form of psychotherapy that works to reduce conflict and distress by improving the systems of interactions between members in the family. Seek a licensed mental health therapist who specializes in working with your particular family issue.